I was feeling sick. I don't even remember falling asleep, but when I woke up it was three hours later and well past dinner time. I stumbled out of my bedroom and into the kitchen were Luke was sweeping the floor.

"Luke I am so sorry! I don't know how I slept for so long!"

With a very satisfied expression, he replied:

"I cooked, cleaned, AND decorated while you slept."

I looked around and he wasn't kidding. Dinner was made, the house was spotless, and there were fall decorations throughout the home.

Can I just go on record that I love this man? What might sound like a simple and perhaps boring exchange between us, is something I will treasure and always remember. I don't even think he knows what he does for my heart day after day. The above exchange is not rare for him/us. It characterizes him. It a society where being a servant is belittled and thought weak for a man, he goes out of his way to serve me and our daughters consistently. Whether it's letting me sleep in on HIS days off. Whether it's taking the girls grocery shopping so I can have some quiet, Whether it's pulling a dozen overtime shifts so we can afford to keep our home or whether it is using all of his birthday cash to buy the girls their first school curriculum. He is a sacrificial, caring man. He is the epitome of:

"If you want to be great in God's Kingdom, you must first be a servant of all."

Fall shift bidding is down. Third quarter in a row my husband cannot attend church with me. Nine months and counting since he's had Sunday mornings off.

iRobot

So we've been given a 3rd kid. It's not what you might think. Luke is now the operator of  the throwbot (robot) used for surveillance. It comes home to us this week. All I can picture is iRobot and Will Smith and I already had a dream about it invading my bedroom.

Does life ever get boring?

"Usually you look pretty sexy after a workout. Not after Insanity though. No, then you look like you've been dragged behind the Jeep for several blocks."

~ Luke

Note: Shower off with the garden hose before going back in the house.

And They Call it Birth Control

I remember proudly popping in my first birth control pill. I felt so in charge and in control of my body. I started taking the pill about 3 months before my wedding. My doctor said I would need to be on it at least three months before becoming sexually active to ensure no pregnancy. I had heard the warnings and cautions, but figured enough women and been on this before me that I would be fine.

The first 1 1/2 years were great. Emotionally I've always been stable and this particular pill made me even more stable (I went from crying 4 times a year to 2, no joke. I don't cry much). I even lost 5 lbs the first year I was on it.

Unexpectedly I became pregnant with Gwendolyn. Before I could get back on the pill I became pregnant with Summer. My body was exhausted. It needed a break. When Summer was 4 months I made an appointment to renew my bc pills. Since I was nursing Summer I was only allowed the Progesterone Only Pill or "mini pill". I was so relived to not worry about getting pregnant again.

About nine months later I realized I was different. I felt different. I acted different. It started out with intense headaches. I've never been a headache girl. Never. Suddenly they were hitting me every night. Luke suggested I drink more which I did and it didn't help. Next my legs would cramp up. It would take hours before I could fall asleep since the aching was so intense. Nyquil became a great friend.
Third my vision deteriorated. Gwendolyn brought me a book to read. A large print kid book. I couldn't read it. The words were to blurry. I stumbled so badly through it she decided to find her Daddy. If I struggled reading a large print kid's book, you can only imagine what trying to read my Bible was like. I gave up on it. Fourth I was a monster (not all the time) to Luke. He would be folding laundry or doing dishes and in my head I just knew he was somehow trying to hurt me. I knew feelings lie so I would convince myself that what I felt wasn't real. I begged God to take away these irrational feelings. In addition to being a difficult wife, I yelled at my kids. The first time I yelled I think I was more shocked than them. I make dozens of mistakes as a parent, but I've never yelled. Each time I would apologize to both Gwen and Summer and like the sweethearts they are, they always forgave me. My fifth and last symptom was always thinking about death. It terrified me. Not the actual dying itself, but I was terrified of judgment of what heaven was really like. It was on my mind constantly.

For my husband's sake, for my children's sake, and for my sake I started researching this "safe" mini pill. I was not alone. So many women were/are having the same side effects and were going on other medications to combat them. I'd had enough. I talked it over with Luke, researched NFP (natural family planning), and stopped taking it.

For the next 30 days all the symptoms intensified. It makes no sense, but it was like my body was having crazy withdrawals. I think Luke was scared he would never get his sweet, optimistic wife back. And then it stopped. My vision returned. I haven't had a headache or leg ache since. I absolutely get frustrated with my children, but never to the point of yelling. I'm still moody about 2 days out of the month, but never to the point of being nasty to my husband. Getting back to daily reading my Bible has been unbelievable. You don't realize what you are missing until you start again. My head is clear and my heart is full of love for Jesus.

I'm not saying I'm against birth control. I may just be made in such a way that I can not handle that particular form of the pill. I do know I will never go back on it. Even if I have to have 20 kids, it's not worth it. I also realize I'm still responsible for all of my actions. All of them. I have no one or nothing to blame but myself. I'm not a victim of any kind.

Thank God  I have a patient husband who never and I mean never retaliated (and yes I have apologized to him). Thank God that my girls were so young they may not remember this time. Although two days ago at the breakfast table we were talking about kindness when Gwendolyn said:

"You hurt my feelings when you yell at me. That's not kind."

Gratefulness overwhelmed me that once again I had the opportunity to sincerely apologize to her and ask for my 3-year-old's forgiveness.

I'm not sure what the point of this is-maybe to warn someone? I made an appointment with my doctor and told her my side affects.  She wasn't alarmed and said the side effects were "normal". I'm not buying it. She wrote out a new prescription for a new form of birth control. It's sitting on my dresser. I'm not filling it. Ever.

After a full 8 hours of nonstop physical activity in the middle of a two-week Defensive Tactics Instructor course, he fell into bed exhausted. One hour later his phone read:

"GET TO PD ASAP. BEARCAT ENROUTE" (exact information not included)

I was given two kisses on his way out the door. I brought my oldest daughter to bed with me and tried to get some sleep knowing that if anything happened to him I would need to be well rested. 4:30 am I heard the door open. Everything went well. It was a pretty standard situation. He fell into bed and slept for 1 more hour before getting up for another day of body bruising defensive tactics. 

I just spoke to him on the phone. No complaints. He's as happy as can be and he passed all his tests with no problems. 

The strength, tenacity, professionalism, and dedication is inspiring to watch.

Love

It was nearly midnight. I had just gotten home. He had been taking care of the kids and studying for his DT Instructor course. I plopped on the couch and started telling him about my day. I talked, talked, and talked. He smiled, engaged, and asked questions. Finally around 1:00 am we climbed into bed and he asked me to set the alarm clock.

"So early?! You have to get up that early?" 

I asked in disbelief.

"Why did you let me talk for so long? Why didn't you tell me?"

With no accusation or annoyance in his voice he turned over, started playing with my hair, and said:

"You needed to talk and I needed to listen. It's simple."

Fast Forward

We're living in fast forward. Every day is packed. Not necessarily for me or the kids, but for him. We keep our calendar open and on the counter throughout the day. We try to memorize the next few days in advance so nothing is missed. We have training schedules taped to our refrigerator. We need to sync our phone calendars. We catch up on his break over the phone. I expect him home around 4:00 pm, he consistently swings in around midnight or later. Last night after a 15 hour shift I felt his exhausted body fall into bed next to mine. Our bedroom is full of gear. My one-year-old can identify more tactical gear than most grownups. Sometimes we leave church early to catch a few minutes with him at work. The girls love it. The stories are better than ever. I love it. Going to parties alone is normal. I'm becoming more independent by the hour. I still need him. Movies nights turn into hour long phone calls and text message battles. Becoming mission ready takes precedent over everything. Someday the craziness will end, maybe we'll have a normal schedule. But for now this is our life and I wouldn't want it any other way.

To see the sanctification on  his face, to hear the excitement in his voice. It's more than worth it. When we are alone together the whole world stops and it's perfect. I'm grateful for this time no matter how short it may be or what will come next.

"I pray they'll understand,

underneath that badge there is a man.

A man who has a wife.

A man who is my life." ~Melissa Littles

2014/2015

2014 was beautiful. There was no moving, no newborns, no pregnancies, no police academy, no FTO or probation. Like every year God was good in 2014. So very good.

Highlights

Luke publicly declaring Jesus as his Lord followed by his baptism. I continue to be awed by God's work in his life and it is an honor to be his wife.

Summer turning 1. We made it (barely) thru the baby stage! In my opinion, the toddler years are much easier/more fun than the baby years (but that's probably just me).

Karin and Zach and twins move back to Whactom County. Another request crossed out of the ole prayer journal.

Meeting my new nephew Issac and spending time with his Mommy (my oldest sister).

A privilege to be a bridesmaid for my dear childhood friend Crystal in July.

First family road trip to Moscow, ID for the above mentioned wedding. I still can't believe how well the girls did during the 8-hour car ride.

Gwen's first trip to the zoo and aquarium and watching her in pure delight as she fed Bamboo the elephant.

Having dear friends drive across the mountain to bring us real hardwood floors as a gift and then staying to install for free. Their generosity is amazing.

Being invited to attend the Whatcom County Law Enforcement Awards Banquet with my handsome officer.

Finally getting rid of our rock garden and putting in a lawn.

Nightly workouts with Luke and friends in our garage gym.

Having an emergency appendectomy in August. Call me weird, but it's actually a very pleasant memory. Not to mention all the help people gave me in the weeks following the surgery. I felt like I was on an extended vacation.

Spending the beautiful summer months in the best town on earth. Nightly walks to Edaleen, daily trips to the park and cruising around in a convertible.

Watching my daughters grow into friends (with plenty of fights thrown  in).

Celebrating our 5th anniversary with hours and hours of jet-skiing and of course target practicing.

Watching our girl's enjoy the Christmas season and shaking from excitement Christmas morning.

Gwendolyn singing in the Sunday School Christmas program (or rather not sing and just floating around on stage).


Resolutions: 

Renewed passion for Christ. For my family. For the mundane, everyday duties that a stay-at-home Mom has. For my church. For life.

Oh, and don't get pregnant. :)