Friday, December 14, 2012

When

When he plays with Gwen after working all night to give me a little extra sleep,

When he writes a poem for me on our "to-do" board,

When he makes me a sundae and brings it upstairs for me at midnight,

When he eagerly works overtimes to provide extra income for us,

When he never lets me get away with mouthing off to him in front of Gwen,

When plays with my hair for hours to help me fall asleep,

When we argue and he lets me win even though we both know he is right,

When he jumps in the car just to fill up on gas before I leave on errands,

When he takes care of all the grocery shopping because I'm to dizzy,

When he doesn't mention my lack of a hairstyle or clothing style,

When he says nighttime prayers with his daughter as she falls asleep,

When he jumps up immediately when she wakes up crying during the night,

When he does all that and so much more, I thank the Lord for my husband and pray I can be a better wife who deserves him.

"I love my sassy, I love by bear,
Some like to travel, but I don't care
I'll spend my days with lady and bear.
Some days it gets hard; I don't know what to do,
But I know it's worth it, my lady and boo!"

- Luke Haas

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Where do the Days Go?

An update of sorts which will probably be hard to follow:

On Being a Police Officer's Wife:
I actually don't think of myself as one. I adjust fast to just about anything and this has been no exception. I kiss my hubby goodbye and continue on with whatever I'm doing. I have to consciously stop and remind myself that he is putting on a bullet proof vest, strapping on a gun and holster, and will be putting his life on the line for the next ten hours.

"God please keep him safe".

I am so very proud of him and I absolutely love when he gets home and tells me the details of the night and gosh does he ever look good in his uniform. Our dinner conversations range from routine traffic stops to suicides and rapes. I listen to the scanner at bedtime in the hopes that I will hear his voice before I drift off to sleep.

On Being Gwen's Mother:
Oh how I love that little girl. She is growing to fast. I cry each time I have to put an outfit away that has been outgrown. She says a small assortment of words now. They are:
cat
dog
boo
dada
Mooooom

If you growl at her, she'll growl back and just this week she has started giggling at everything. She'll be in her crib with the light off and will just start giggling at her animals. Cutest thing ever. When we tuck her in at night she lifts her little hand and waves goodbye to us. Melts our heart and we have to force ourselves to actually leave the room. She has turned out to be a wonderful sleeper. I've found out a few tricks that I believe have helped and will be using them on baby #2. She has never been much of a snuggler, but recently she will crawl over to us and lay her head down on us for a second or two before she goes back to her toys. I can't imagine life without our princess.

On Expecting Number Two:
Two babies 15 months apart. Oh my what where we thinking? What fun and chaos it will be. I honestly can't stand the thought of going through the pain of labor again. I almost went with a medical doctor so I could have an epidural, but all those tests stop me dead in my tracks. So excruciating pain here I come again! The blacking out in public places has started. I usually make it through the signing at church before I rush out to the backroom or nursery or wherever it's nice and cool. If only Luke could go to church with me; I would feel so much more secure. I hate being a distraction and even if I'm sitting in the back row I have anxiety about getting up and disturbing the service. Silly me.

Cutting this short because my cop and I have an episode of Downton Abbey to watch. :)

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Getting to Know You...

Luke is back. He is back for good. No more leaving late Sunday night or early Monday morning. No more washing academy uniforms, PT uniforms, or baking him and his buddies snacks. Graduation was lovely. Pinning his badge on during the ceremony was a very proud moment even though my hands were shaking and Gwen kept trying to put the badge in her mouth.

Now what? Now I am a full time wife again. I adjust really well to change. I always have. I just go with the flow and everything works out. However, the change of having my husband back is proving to take a bit longer to adjust to than normal. I love him, but goodness we are different! I think I must have become a little to independent while he was away. I went wherever I wanted and did whatever I wanted. Now, I need to be home and make sure dinner is ready, laundry is done, and the house tidy. All these things were super easy while he was away. Crazy what a difference one person can make. He also asks me weird questions like:

"How much water have you had today?"

or

:"It's 9:00. Have you had breakfast yet? Why not? Go make yourself some breakfast."

or

"Did you finish your tea? Finish your tea!" (I had a sore throat)

I know he means well, but I took care of myself for 5 months just fine!

No big fights or arguments have happened, but things are just a little tense. Oh, and we are horrible, horrible at sharing a bed. I literally take up 90% of the bed and he hogs all the covers. I jokingly told him I was excited for him to go back to night shift and he was like "No Kidding!"

Those sweatpants? Hmmm...haven't been able to find them. Wonder what happened....

It doesn't help that Luke is Gwen's obvious favorite. You should see her little face light up with delight each time he walks into the room. She smiles at me too, but not quite as bright or for as long.

All in all it is wonderful to have him home, but I'm ready for the adjustment period to be over. I'm gonna give it another week and we'll go from there!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Week 16, Day 3 - Three More Weeks!

Luke Update:
Just got a quick call from Luke. Today he had his "fight for life" so he knew how anxious I was to hear from him. If you know Luke at all, you know he is not one to brag, but is maddeningly depreciating about himself. So when he called and said "Hey baby, everything is good, I'm fine. I did AWESOME!" You know he must have really, really did well. I have a little over an hour to go before I get all the details of this most difficult and dangerous mock scene. I hope he smoked the guy! Next week he has three tests. Firearms test, classroom test, and a defensive tactics test.

Three weeks! In three weeks I will have my husband home full time (other than the 40 hours he'll be working). I panicked a little when I realized I have developed some bad habits while he has been gone. Habits that will definitely need reversing before he gets home.

1. Shut the door. I must, must remember to shut the bathroom door. Since being the only adult in the house for the past six months, I've developed a "why bother" attitude towards shutting the bathroom door. Besides having it opened allows me to keep an eye on Gwen even though I"m sure she would be fine for the 40 second I'm in there...

2. Wear something nice. I hate to admit this, but sometimes after kickboxing and my shower, I put on sweatpants instead of an actual outfit.  This is something I promised myself I would never do (as I'm typing it's only 3:56 pm and I'm in sweats). Luke hates sweatpants and loves jeans and a nice top. If I'm not careful my sweats may end up in the dumpster. Did you know I didn't even own a pair of pajama pants for the first 3 years of our marriage? Which means, I bought my first pair while Luke was away...OOPS!

3. Cook More. I've gotten into the habit of eating two meals a day instead of three. Eating before kickboxing just isn't an option for me and since I don't get home until 10:30 and I have to immediately feed Gwen, put her to bed, and take my shower, it's nearly noon before I've eaten anything. This is super nice for my diet, but my hulk of a husband needs three meals a day!

4. Keep the cupboards and fridge fully stocked. Okay, so sometimes I'm lazy and sometimes I don't want to spend the money. Occasionally if I am out of groceries and I don't want to go to the store and if Gwen is down for the night, I will eat her baby food. Something tells me Luke won't be okay with eating squashed squash after a ten-hour shift.

5. Ease up. I've become very picky about using the same utensils, plate, bowl, ect all week long. This is something I am NOT going to nag him about. Other hills to die on...

6. Put it back on! Something else I'm embarrassed about is the fact I rarely have my wedding ring on or any jewelery at all. I learned the painful way that you should not wear rings or earrings while kickboxing. Since I go every morning it's just become easier to keep it all off. I know...disgusting of me.

Good news is, is that all these habits are reversible. My hope is that Luke will never even know my little secrets.  Good thing I don't let him read my blog! Invasion of privacy ya know? Yeah, I could arrest him for that.

Little piece of advice before I leave...
When excitedly telling your husband that you just took off your jeans without unbuttoning them, make sure you aren't on speaker phone...

 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Week 14, Day 2 Kickboxing!

Luke Update: One month and 7 days to go until I get him back for good. This will be the longest and hardest month of his life. From here on it it's nothing but tests and mock scenes. Pray for him! Some of the mock scenes can be brutal and during one his partner busted his elbow and had to have surgery. He will be washing out of this class and rejoining another class once his shoulder heals. I'm just praying that Luke stays injury free! Luke's class had their EVOC week a few weeks ago. They drove down to the Troopers Academy and used their drive course. Luke brought along a camera and got some awesome footage of spins, skids, swerves, hydroplaning, ect. Sadly I'm not allowed to share the pictures here. Luke gave me a tour of the academy. It was similar to a college dormitory, but much more stark and bare. I was appalled that he didn't have a single picture of me hanging up in his room, but then realized everyone puts pictures of their family on a bulletin board in one of the classrooms and there he had several of me. :)

After three years of nagging/begging/pleading, Luke got me to sign up for kickboxing! I tried every excuse out there not to do them: To expensive, no babysitter, I don't know anyone, I'm not in good shape ect. He insisted once I started I would love it. So here I am on week two of kickboxing and yes, Luke was right. I love it. He didn't just want me to sign up for the exercise (which is killer), but to also meet more people and just have an outlet for all my energy. Since becoming a mommy my social life had definitely declined and he could tell it was bothering me. Now every morning from 9:00-10:00 I am getting the most amazing workout with some pretty cool people. Most of them have been doing kickboxing for years, but they are patient with me and as long as I try my absolute hardest no one gets annoyed about being stuck with the new girl. :) At the one week mark I was down 3 pounds (silly me was hoping for more, but I know that's just not practical). My friends and family get a HUGE thank-you for splitting the babysitting up so Gwen always has a place to go. I'm planning on taking them all out individually for dinner once Luke is done with academy. If anyone is every interested in joining me for kickboxing, let me know and I'll get you the details. Trust me, you'll love it!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Week 10, Day 2

Luke Update:
Not much to report. Completed and passed his midterm DT skills test, but we weren't worried about that one since he attends all the extra DT sessions each morning. He is an actor for the senior class during their mock scene finals. Basically he and others will be posing as the bad guys inside of dark buildings and will try to beat up, run from, or just cause trouble to the police officers. He's pretty excited to dress and act like a punk. Thursday he will be sitting down with TAC Officers and will be informed on how they think he is doing. What they say will be relayed to his department whether it's good or bad.

Saturday Luke and I enjoyed a delicious (and expensive) dinner at Anthony's while Kelsey and Annie babysat Gwen. We went all out and purchased happy hour drinks, soup, entrees and dessert. I was pretty nervous about the bill, but throughout dinner Luke kept saying "Go all out". Once he got the bill and saw the amount a big smile spread across his face and he sad:
"There. I made up for taking you to the food court last week". (Note: I asked him to take me to the food court. They make the best Indian food this side of the border)

After dinner we walked along the pier and stumbled across at least two, but maybe three weddings. Back at the car Luke insisted he give me a Field Sobriety Test before driving. I kept giggling which he claimed meant I was guilty about some other crime. He gave me the test three times before he was convinced I could drive. I never did make it through a complete one without laughing, but I did get us home safely.

Sunday morning came and since I was still getting over a cold we went for a walk at Boulevard instead of attending church. Of course the walk led us to Fairhaven, which led us to Skylarks, which led us to a delicious breakfast under the big tree along the cobblestone path. After breakfast we headed back to Boulevard and spent an hour or so barefoot walking along the grass and playing with Gwen. I also told Luke that if I were to die, he needed to remarry as soon as possible for Gwen's sake. I then gave him a list of girls he could marry that I thought would make a good mother to Gwen. He thought the whole conversation was completely ridiculous, but I felt better knowing my baby would always have a Mommy. I also asked him if he had a list for me and this was his reply:
"Yeah, no one I know".

Eventually we left and I quickly made Luke his favorite Blueberry coffeecake to take back with him to the academy. I wish every weekend could be as lovely and simple as this one. Friday can't get here fast enough!

Luke giving Gwen a crawling lesson

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Week 9, Day 2 - Ramblings

Luke Update:
As of this very hour he is halfway done with police academy! From here on out it is downhill (in a good way). He and his class are doing very well and even earned "coffee in the classroom" privileges before the senior class did. He is still regularly attending all the extra DT (defensive tactics) offered by the officers. It's weird that my once chill, nothing could rile him, non-competitive husband is turning into a lethal weapon! Still can't get him to be competitive in basketball though; that will probably never change. He is still being sweet and takes the time to tell me everything he is learning. He even gives me his instruction manuals once they are done with a topic. I have now read everything and anything to do with domestic violence, guns and ammunition, traffic citations, traffic enforcement, gangs ect. It is probably some of the most interesting reading I have ever done. If he is getting behind I will read to him over the phone while he is driving either back home or to the academy. It saves him a lot of time and it makes me feel ever so useful!

Gwen went to her first church campout this past weekend and did great! Other than pooping through every outfit I put her in or puking on everyone who wanted to hold her (sorry guys), she was an angel. It was definitely different camping with a baby and I admit, not as much fun. We will most likely continue to attend each year since I don't want to get in the habit of saying no to something that is so fun for kids just because it is not as fun for me. Also a good friend told Luke it was important to be there and relax in a safe place without having to look over your shoulder constantly. 

My little sis Kelsey comes home this week for a brief visit! Since Luke is gone I should be able to see her quite a bit. My number 3 prayer right now is for all my sisters to move back to WA. I want us all to buy houses on the same block and share a HUGE backyard and a HUGE garden. Our kiddos would be safe since we would own the whole block and we would save so much money on produce. Not to mention we would have so, so much fun. There would be a cop, marine, piano teacher, engineer, dental assistant, and three nurses on the block. Ahhh, that would be absolute perfection. 

I have a stack of paperwork that I am slowly taking care of. 401k's, wills, retirement, new insurance, IRA's, ect it takes so much thought process to pick out plans that are best for our family. I wish I had paid more attention in my finance classes!

I am finally taking Gwen to the doctor. Her first visit since she was born! I've been putting it off because I didn't want to deal with the whole vaccine issue. I still don't want to deal with it, but I also don't want to be irresponsible. She is happy, healthy, and growing and I'm so scared to mess that up for her. I have exclusively been breastfeeding her in the hopes that will keep away sickness until I make a firm decision. She now grabs and sucks on her little toes and she likes to roll over to her stomach while in her crib. She does this because she knows I will come in and switch her back to her back! Yesterday she got her leg stuck in the crib slats and I couldn't get it out! I almost called the fire department because I could see it was cutting the circulation. Thankfully I was able to pull apart the slats. Poor thing  had a red and a little swollen leg for the rest of the day. She barely cried though; that's my tough little girl scout!

Luke and I are discussing our next vacation and we decided on Mexico again. We also decided to always take vacations together instead of separate which is a growing trend among couples. Gwen won't be joining us since she is to young to remember anything at the moment. We are planning a huge Disney World vacation when she is six.

I'm slowly starting to put Luke's graduation party together. I have no idea what to include in a police academy graduation except dancing and cake. It's all a little intimidating to me, but hopefully I'll be able to pull it off!

And that is the end of my rambling; if you stayed with it for this long, wow! Thank-you. :)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Week 7, Day 2 - Should Have Kissed Him

Luke Update:
Got a call Sunday night at around midnight. It was Luke asking me if I new where his ballistics vest was. As I stumbled over our condo looking for it and wondering how on earth does one lose a bullet-proof vest I couldn't help but laugh. I'm up at midnight looking for a bullet-proof vest. Awesome. He eventually found it in a classroom and I still don't know how someone misplaces something that big. We are over a quarter of the way through! I can definitely see the weariness starting to creep into his eyes and he keeps losing weight: 27 pounds so far. He loves the classes that cover anything drug related and he takes full advantage of any additional defensive tactics training. He shot a 475 at the range today. The highest is 500 and passing is 350. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous of him. I always wanted to be a cop growing up. I guess I kinda have the best of both worlds. I can live my dream through him and be part of my other dream which is being a stay-at-home Mom.


December 31, 2007, Lynden, WA 11:57 pm
We are standing in the middle of a quiet street. There is a mist floating toward us from the golf course. The street lamps are on and almost make it feel cozy despite the cold. We are next to a white gazebo. Luke turns on his car so he can play the oldies soundtrack. Slowly we dance in the middle of the street, next to the white gazebo, to Frank Sinatra. I was fast falling in love with this man that I had just "met" two week prior. It's midnight. He gives a little smile and says:

"It's tradition to kiss the girl at midnight."

He slowly brings his head down for a kiss and instinctively I look down to avoid it. He pauses a little confused and simply kisses the top of my head instead. He drops me off at 12:30. I lie wide awake in my bed. I should have kissed him.

To this day I wish I kissed him. Especially since we haven't been able to spend New Year's Eve together
since our first one due to shift work. I wonder if I will ever be able to kiss him on New Year's right at midnight, or did I miss my one and only chance.



Thursday, July 19, 2012

Week Six, Day Four

My favorite song at the moment- makes me think of Luke and myself:

"(Kissed You) Good Night" - GLORIANA

I dropped you off
Just a little after midnight
Sat in my car
Till you turned off your porch light
I should have kissed you
I should have pushed you up against the wall
I should have kissed you
Just like I wasn’t scared at all

I turned off the car
Ran through the yard
Back to your front door
Before I could knock
You turned the lock
And met me on the front porch

And I kissed you
Goodnight
And now that I’ve kissed you
It’s a good night good night baby goodnight

You couldn’t see me
Watching through the window
Wondering what went wrong
Praying that you wouldn’t go
You should have kissed me
You should have pushed me up against the wall
You should have kissed me
I was right on the edge and ready to fall

So I turned off the car
Ran through the yard
Back to your front door
Before I could knock
You turned the lock
And met me on the front porch

And I kissed you
Goodnight
And now that I’ve kissed you
It’s a good night good night baby goodnight

I turned off the car
ran through the yard
back to your front door
Half scared to death can’t catch my breath
Aren’t these the moments we live for

And I kissed you
Goodnight
And now that I’ve kissed you
It’s a good night good night baby goodnight
It’s a good night good night baby goodnight
It’s a good night good night baby goodnight
It’s a good night good night baby goodnight

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Week 5, Day 4 - Just A Picture

I stole this from his phone. He'll probably make me take it down when he finds out. Even though you can't see his face and it's kinda blurry, I think he makes one good-lookin cop! I can't wait to see him in his full uniform with all his gear. Quarter of the way through!



Thursday, July 5, 2012

Week 4, Day 4 - A New Life


Luke Update:
Luke and his class will be spending the next few weeks at the firing range with their guns. Last Friday they practiced drawing and firing drills. Halfway through the day their training officer threw in "cardio firing drills". Its one thing to draw and fire when you're concentrating and breathing is slow and steady, it's a whole different game when firing while out of breath with the blood pumping through you head which slows your thinking. The officer would have them sprint a mile or do 20 burbees (sp?) and then draw and fire. They also did the same type of drills when practicing handcuffing. He has a huge exam tomorrow. I looked over his notes and wow, some of the definitions of the law are confusing! He got in "trouble" for leaving his wedding ring in the gym. The TAC Officer said he had to do a "self-report" to his wife on why it was left there.


This morning found me on the floor playing with my daughter. The sun was streaming through the windows, I had coffee in my mug next to me, and a tank top and skirt on me. It may sound like a dull morning to you, but I found myself wondering:

"Does it get any better than this?"

Between sips of coffee and little baby giggles I came to this conclusion: Nope, it doesn't get better. 


My days of waking up at 4:30 and heading to the office at 5:30 are over. Company parties, department lunches, co-workers birthdays, non-stop calls, and answering hundreds of e-mails daily are no longer part of my life. I've traded it in for baby squeals and screams, spit-up covered shirts and dirty diapers, cooking, shopping, and cleaning. I cannot tell you just how big a change this is for me. I started working at age 14 and never stopped. Even while in college I took on three jobs to pay the bills. I never could imagine what it would be like to no longer have a "real job". I loved working and being part of the office dynamics and drama. It was exhilarating, entertaining, and kept me learning consistently. Not to mention, I loved the paychecks!


Now I wake up at around 7:00. I feed my daughter, get a cup of coffee, throw in a load of laundry, and play with her. What a change from before! Sometimes the stir-crazy creeps up on me and sometimes I long for the learning and adult interaction I would receive from my job. I worry that I may be losing brain cells since my only companion is a 4-month old baby. I wish I knew what was going on in my department and I hope someone is taking good care of my dear customers (especially the retired war veteran who would call me daily from Niagara Falls, NY). Even though my life is new and nothing is the same I can honestly say:


"It doesn't get any better than this"


"A baby in the house is a well-spring of pleasure, 
a messenger of peace and love, a resting place for 
innocence on earth, a link between angels and men."


 ~  Martin Fraquhar Tupper

Monday, June 18, 2012

Week 2, Day 1

Luke Update: 


Aced his first test (which some of the seniors says is the hardest one), is a contender for class president (I have mixed feelings about that), and is drowning in assignments! Saturday we were up well past midnight working on papers, memos, and case studies. He lost 4 pounds the first week and weighs less than he did on our wedding day (has lost a total of 27 pounds since March). Personally I like a man who is not skinny so I am looking forward to putting some meat back on him once this is over. My favorite part of the weekend was learning the defensive tactics he was taught. If I'm ever in danger of being arrested, I have a pretty good idea of how to get away since I know what moves they're gonna use....not that I'm planning on getting arrested anytime soon. He is struggling with time management and prioritizing his projects so he will have to get a handle on that, but overall week one was a great success! It's still a long, long road in front of him though and he still has doubts that he will pass everything in order to graduate. 


Did you Know:
Bullet proof vests have an expiration date on them and,
22% of rookie cops will wear sunglasses while it is dark outside. Cool dudes ya know..


Week two is starting out much harder than week one for me. My motivation and energy is way down. It took all my will power just to throw in a load of laundry this morning. I miss him much more this week and can't wait for Friday. Gwen is my little sidekick though and we have lots to do together, but right now that little sidekick needs to take a nap!


Saying Goodbye


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Day 3, Week 1 - The Wills and Will Nots

Luke Update:


Luke calls at about 5:20 every day. They have to be done with training by 5:00 otherwise Luke and the other recruits get paid overtime and none of their departments want to pay overtime. He is doing very well. He sent me pictures of his room and some of the facilities whch unfortunately I'm not allowed to post. I was surprised how spacious and nice the dorms were. According to the seniors, yesterday for the new recruits was "Hell Day" and this whole week is called "Hell Week". I was so anxious to hear from Luke to see how he survived. I asked him to tell me honestly how it was and this was his reply: "It is SO Awesome!" Enough said.


Here is my little list of the will and will nots for my summer while Luke is away:

I will make the bed every day (a habit which I let slip while Luke was on swing shift. It's hard to make a bed while there is still someone in it).

I will not neglect my nails. Luke loves it when I've taken the time to give myself a pedicure and in the Summer time when flip-flops and going barefoot are the norm, I have to make sure I keep my nails looking pristine!

I will have the kitchen completely spotless before going to sleep each night.

I will not once feel sorry for myself that I am husbandless 5 nights out of the week.

I will get 20 minutes of exercise in every day. Most of the time it will be more than this, but it will be at least this.

I will spend an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening organizing and cleaning.

I will use the same plate, cup, and utensils, throughout the day. Rinse and reuse, rinse and reuse....

I will not burden Luke with anything while he is home. For the next 5 months he needs to be completely focused and I will be just fine.

I will take care of all car maintenance from here on out. He doesn't need to spend his valuable free time changing the oil and replacing break lights.

I will show Gwen pictures of her Daddy every day and tell her how wonderful he is.

I will take a picture of Gwen each day so Luke can see the cute outfits I dress her in.

I will not neglect my hair or makeup just because my husband is gone. That is a dangerous road to go down!

I will skimp on the mascara while he gone to save a little $$.

I will not hog Luke on the weekends. I understand he will want to see his family and friends sometimes.

I will not be stressed or guilty if I fail to meet some of my goals.

I will pray Luke multiple times throughout the day.

I will thank the Lord every day that I get to be a stay-at-home Mom to my little girl and future children (more on this to come).






Monday, June 11, 2012

Day One, Week One

He's gone. Left 9:30 this morning. Gwen and I stood on the sidewalk and watched as he was about to leave our sight. True to our tradition he pulled a U-turn and headed back up the hill for one last kiss (this was a tradition started while we were engaged; we would always turn around for one last kiss). When he did finally leave our sight I headed back to the house and let myself cry 10 minutes. The 10 minutes are gone and now it's time to pick myself up, straighten the house up, and get on with Summer! The next five months will be strange for the three of us, but I'm excited for them. I have this list of goals that I have been wanting to accomplish for some time now and this is my chance! Here is my list:

Redecorate our bedroom
Visit the seniors in church weekly
Lose the baby weight!
Take a kickboxing class
Re-memorize the book of James
Start up an account at Labels so I never have to pay another $ for clothes
Learn to bake my Mom's cinnamon rolls as well as she does
Dive deep into God's Word every day rather than just checking a box saying I read my Bible
Write at least two blog posts per week so I never forget this season of life we are in

Even with my husband gone, it looks like Gwen and I are going to have a busy, fantastic Summer! I refuse to feel sorry for myself when God has blessed us so much and has given us exactly what we asked for. I praise Him for his goodness to me and my little family.


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Gwendolyn

March 1st, 3:14 am (10 days before Gwen's due date)

I wake up to a dull pain in my lower back. I flip open my phone and groan when I realize I have to get up in little over an hour for work. At least I still had an hour. I flop over and try to find a comfortable spot for my large pregnant stomach. Sleep slowly comes back when suddenly the back spasm came again. I adjust my five pillows roll over and try again to fall asleep. The same dull throb hits again.

"Well this is just great"

By now it was a little after 4:00 am and I decide to give up on sleep and take my shower; maybe get to work early and make up for some lost time the day before. The warm shower water feels so good on my back and the pain is gone. I start shampooing my hair when suddenly the same sharp pain hits again, but in my stomach this time and not my back.  I freeze. The pain isn't bad at all; just annoying. It hits and then leaves 5 seconds later. Two more stomach pains hit while in the shower. I hop out, grab my phone and wait for the next one to hit. It came at about 4:45, and then another came at 5:00, and another at 5:15. I crawl back into bed and whisper to Luke:

"Luke, just so you know I might be in labor, but I don't think so, so go back to sleep. Sorry to wake you.'

He mumbles something about something and asks if I am okay, but was fast asleep again. I sit in bed for a while and just think about it. Should I call into work? No, I left work early yesterday I have to go in. What if this is real and I can't get back home? What if it isn't real and I feel super stupid. I just saw my midwife yesterday and there was no sign of labor hitting.

There is one key component I have learned while being pregnant: If I have a question about anything, call Mom. Call her even if it's 5:30 am.

Mom answers on the 2nd ring. She has never once complained about being wakened up at all hours of the night by her children. I explain what I am feeling and ask for her opinion. She advises not going into work and to wait an hour or two just to see. Many times labors start and the stop themselves. She says to go back to bed and try to sleep. If it doesn't go away call my midwife to give her the heads up.

Sleep? My adrenaline is going a bit to fast for sleep, but I lay back down. I time a few more contractions which are now eight minutes apart. I text work, explain what was happening, and say I will see them in an hour or two. Luke wakes up for work and makes sure I am comfortable. He asks if he should stay home, but I insist he go and not waste a vacation day. I set up shop on our couch and turn on the "Biggest Loser". If nothing else, I would catch an episode or two of this addictive reality show about people losing weight. Luke leaves me with his stopwatch and shows me how to use it so I can accurately time the contractions.

8:00 am

Luke has been at work for one hour when I call him and asked him to come back home. I need him here. My contractions are now five minutes apart. They are throwing me for a loop though because they are not very painful. A part of me thinks this isn't real yet. It's a funny situation to be in. Half of me didn't want another one to hit, but then the other half was scared it wouldn't because that meant no baby today and I would have to feel silly going to work over nothing. Was this really happening?

8:30

 Luke is home and I decide to bake cookies to keep my mind off of the contractions. A quick call to my midwife to give her the heads up and then I start in on my double recipe of chocolate chip cookies. We were out of peanut butter. I send Luke to the store for some peanut butter and ask him to hurry. Everything was ready for the cookies. The wet and dry ingredients just needed to be mixed after Luke bought the peanut butter. Typical Luke brought home more than peanut butter! He also has in the bag Dreyer's Girl Scout Cookie ice-cream. As he walks through the door he finds me on my hands and knees on the floor in the middle of a contraction, a painful one. He makes a fist and presses it hard into my lower back countering the pressure of the contraction. It feels good.

9:12

The cookies were forgotten. I eat a bowl of ice-cream and try to stay comfortable. I go from the floor, to the couch, to the exercise ball, to pacing.

"Luke! We don't have my playlist ready for labor on my ipod! I need my music; this list of songs is in your inbox."

Luke sets out on the task of getting my playlist ready. It takes him a long time because every five minutes I call him to come help me through a contraction. They are getting worse but not terrible, and only lasting about 40 seconds.

10:22 am



11:00am

I call my midwife again while gasping through a contraction. I think it's time to head over, but first I throw up all the ice-cream that I had eaten. At least it coming back up didn't taste half bad. Luke and I grab our bags, water, carseat, ipod, phones (very important), and anything else we thought we might need. I call Mom who was at Target picking up last minute baby items that I had never gotten around to buying (I still had at least 10 days left or so I thought). She would meet us at the birth center.

Noon

We arrive at the birth center after the most painful car ride of my life. My Mom had been right. My midwife met us at the door and showed us to our room. It was lovely. The lighting was soft, there were candles, the queen sized bed had a beautiful comforter and there was a porcelain tub in the corner. There was also a little bathroom off to the side. Immediately Luke sets up the ipod and turns on my playlist. I start pacing. Then I move the exercise ball-my favorite place to be during the whole process.

12:20

My midwife listens for Gwen's heartbeat and it is strong steady. She has me lie on the bed so she can check my progression. Having to lie still during a contraction was awful. My Mom starts rubbing my feet which helps. I am devastated to learn I am only dilated 2 1/2 cm, but she was able to stretch it to 3. My world collapses as I think to myself:

"If I'm only at 3 and the contractions hurt this badly; what am I going to do when I get to 8 or 9?"

I ask if we can stay and not go back home. The thought of going back home makes me sick. My midwife agrees to let us stay.

1:00-2:00 pm

The contractions are painful and steady and manageable. When a bad one hits Luke squeezes my hips together with his knees and kneads his fist into my lower back. This alleviates so much of the pain. I start to panic a little knowing I have such a long road in front of me. My Mom insists that it won't be much longer. She says I am progressing fast and was following her pattern of delivery almost exactly. I desperately want to believe, but I am scared to hope. I start chewing on ice chips. They don't help.

2:20

Contractions are now 2 minutes apart. I hate them. Luke and Mom help me through each one. One at a time. One at a time. You can do it. I knew there was at least a break in between each one which helps me mentally. An excruciating one hits. I stay calm. I wait for it to end. It doesn't. Another one builds on that one and then a third one builds on that one. Four minutes later the contraction eases and I am moaning saying I can't/won't do this anymore. The whole time I knew I could and would, but it feels good to say I couldn't. My legs start shaking and my Mom thinks she should find the midwife.

"No, don't!. I know I'm not even halfway done. It will just make me depressed to be checked again and I'm only at 4 or 5."

2:45

My midwife listens for Gwen's heartbeat and it is still steady and strong. She checks me and I am now at 8. I can barely breath now. I'm wearing a long black skirt, tank-top, and black sweater. They ask me if I want to change into something more comfortable. I say no and pull the hood up over my face. I want to be cozy I said. I need some encouragement badly. I ask my Mom and midwife:
"If I were at the hospital would it be to late for an epidural?"

The laugh and say absolutely it would be to late.Relief and energy floods through me. I did it. I made it without medication. Luke whispers in my ear how great I'm doing and how proud of me he is. He whispers:

"You got this babe; you know you do."


3:00

My midwife suggests I move to the birthing stool so we can let gravity help. My water hasn't broken so she asks if I want her to break it which would make the contractions more intense, but would maybe speed the process up. I agree and during the most painful contraction yet she breaks the water and I scream and my body starts pushing automatically. I hear my midwife ask my Mom if she see the miconium stain in the water. My Mom says yes and they immediately try to hear Gwen's heartbeat. It has dropped dramatically.

"We need you on the bed now. I'm going to press on your stomach and help get her out before she gets the miconium in her lungs."

 I didn't exactly know what miconium was, but knew it was very bad.

3:13

They start to stand to get me on the bed. Suddenly a contraction hits and my body starts pushing automatically again. I can't stop it if I tried. I close my eyes and yell. It feels so good to yell. Through the yelling and the pain I hear my midwife:

"Kimi, Kimi, look at me. Look at me! Chin down. Chin down."

I'm confused. Now Luke is telling me to listen and then I hear my Mom say:

"Kimi! Listen to her! Chin down. She's here; she's coming right now!"

I put my chin down and push with all my strength. Nothing will stop me.

3:16 pm

I see my Gwen for the first time.

Monday, January 16, 2012


“Making babies is fun. Raising children is hard work; don’t quit.”
- Mark Driscoll

Sunday, January 1, 2012

This Song Reminds me of Luke



"Tough Little Boys" - Gary Allen

Well I never once
Backed down from a punch
Well I'd take it square on the chin
But I found out fast
That bullies just laugh
And we've got to stand up to them

So I didn't cry when I got a black eye
As bad as it hurt, I just grinned
But when tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again.

Scared me to death
When you took your first steps
And I'd fall every time you fell down
Your first day of school, I cried like a fool
And I followed your school bus to town

Well I didn't cry, when Old Yeller died
At least not in front of my friends
But when tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again

Well I'm a grown man
But as strong as I am
Sometimes its hard to believe
How one little girl, with little blonde curls
Could totally terrify me

If you were to ask, my wife would just laugh
She'd say "I know all about men
How tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again"

Well I know one day, I'll give you away
But I'm gonna stand there and smile
But when I get home, and I'm all alone
Well, I'll sit in your room for a while

Well I didn't cry when Old Yeller died
At least not in front of my friends
But when tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8l_cCKLHRoo&noredirect=1