And They Call it Birth Control

I remember proudly popping in my first birth control pill. I felt so in charge and in control of my body. I started taking the pill about 3 months before my wedding. My doctor said I would need to be on it at least three months before becoming sexually active to ensure no pregnancy. I had heard the warnings and cautions, but figured enough women and been on this before me that I would be fine.

The first 1 1/2 years were great. Emotionally I've always been stable and this particular pill made me even more stable (I went from crying 4 times a year to 2, no joke. I don't cry much). I even lost 5 lbs the first year I was on it.

Unexpectedly I became pregnant with Gwendolyn. Before I could get back on the pill I became pregnant with Summer. My body was exhausted. It needed a break. When Summer was 4 months I made an appointment to renew my bc pills. Since I was nursing Summer I was only allowed the Progesterone Only Pill or "mini pill". I was so relived to not worry about getting pregnant again.

About nine months later I realized I was different. I felt different. I acted different. It started out with intense headaches. I've never been a headache girl. Never. Suddenly they were hitting me every night. Luke suggested I drink more which I did and it didn't help. Next my legs would cramp up. It would take hours before I could fall asleep since the aching was so intense. Nyquil became a great friend.
Third my vision deteriorated. Gwendolyn brought me a book to read. A large print kid book. I couldn't read it. The words were to blurry. I stumbled so badly through it she decided to find her Daddy. If I struggled reading a large print kid's book, you can only imagine what trying to read my Bible was like. I gave up on it. Fourth I was a monster (not all the time) to Luke. He would be folding laundry or doing dishes and in my head I just knew he was somehow trying to hurt me. I knew feelings lie so I would convince myself that what I felt wasn't real. I begged God to take away these irrational feelings. In addition to being a difficult wife, I yelled at my kids. The first time I yelled I think I was more shocked than them. I make dozens of mistakes as a parent, but I've never yelled. Each time I would apologize to both Gwen and Summer and like the sweethearts they are, they always forgave me. My fifth and last symptom was always thinking about death. It terrified me. Not the actual dying itself, but I was terrified of judgment of what heaven was really like. It was on my mind constantly.

For my husband's sake, for my children's sake, and for my sake I started researching this "safe" mini pill. I was not alone. So many women were/are having the same side effects and were going on other medications to combat them. I'd had enough. I talked it over with Luke, researched NFP (natural family planning), and stopped taking it.

For the next 30 days all the symptoms intensified. It makes no sense, but it was like my body was having crazy withdrawals. I think Luke was scared he would never get his sweet, optimistic wife back. And then it stopped. My vision returned. I haven't had a headache or leg ache since. I absolutely get frustrated with my children, but never to the point of yelling. I'm still moody about 2 days out of the month, but never to the point of being nasty to my husband. Getting back to daily reading my Bible has been unbelievable. You don't realize what you are missing until you start again. My head is clear and my heart is full of love for Jesus.

I'm not saying I'm against birth control. I may just be made in such a way that I can not handle that particular form of the pill. I do know I will never go back on it. Even if I have to have 20 kids, it's not worth it. I also realize I'm still responsible for all of my actions. All of them. I have no one or nothing to blame but myself. I'm not a victim of any kind.

Thank God  I have a patient husband who never and I mean never retaliated (and yes I have apologized to him). Thank God that my girls were so young they may not remember this time. Although two days ago at the breakfast table we were talking about kindness when Gwendolyn said:

"You hurt my feelings when you yell at me. That's not kind."

Gratefulness overwhelmed me that once again I had the opportunity to sincerely apologize to her and ask for my 3-year-old's forgiveness.

I'm not sure what the point of this is-maybe to warn someone? I made an appointment with my doctor and told her my side affects.  She wasn't alarmed and said the side effects were "normal". I'm not buying it. She wrote out a new prescription for a new form of birth control. It's sitting on my dresser. I'm not filling it. Ever.

After a full 8 hours of nonstop physical activity in the middle of a two-week Defensive Tactics Instructor course, he fell into bed exhausted. One hour later his phone read:

"GET TO PD ASAP. BEARCAT ENROUTE" (exact information not included)

I was given two kisses on his way out the door. I brought my oldest daughter to bed with me and tried to get some sleep knowing that if anything happened to him I would need to be well rested. 4:30 am I heard the door open. Everything went well. It was a pretty standard situation. He fell into bed and slept for 1 more hour before getting up for another day of body bruising defensive tactics. 

I just spoke to him on the phone. No complaints. He's as happy as can be and he passed all his tests with no problems. 

The strength, tenacity, professionalism, and dedication is inspiring to watch.

Love

It was nearly midnight. I had just gotten home. He had been taking care of the kids and studying for his DT Instructor course. I plopped on the couch and started telling him about my day. I talked, talked, and talked. He smiled, engaged, and asked questions. Finally around 1:00 am we climbed into bed and he asked me to set the alarm clock.

"So early?! You have to get up that early?" 

I asked in disbelief.

"Why did you let me talk for so long? Why didn't you tell me?"

With no accusation or annoyance in his voice he turned over, started playing with my hair, and said:

"You needed to talk and I needed to listen. It's simple."