Hero

5:45am. I sleepily reached over to Luke's side of the bed. He usually comes home around 4:30 and then in bed by 5:00. In my exhaustion I assumed I slept through it.

 Empty.

Cold.

He wasn't there. My phone had no missed calls and no text messages. I quickly tried calling him before allowing my mind to get carried away.

Instant relief when he answered on the first ring. He was anxious for me to get back to sleep, but gave me a brief explanation why he was late.

A suicidal man who was dismissed by others as not truly suicidal. When Luke started his shift he read the report on it that was taken an hour earlier. He instantly felt concern and started pursing it further. Pursing it further turned into search warrants to ping a cell phone, calling for a K9 track, searching the man's residence, and ultimately Luke finding him hours later with a knife and slit throat down by the water. He survived.

Before Luke hung up with me he apologized that he was covered in blood and had to throw away his watch and bracelet.

"Honey, you saved someone's life. You're a hero."

"Nah, not really. Just doing what needs to be done."

Heartbreaking

A Policeman's Wife

I was feeling sick. I don't even remember falling asleep, but when I woke up it was three hours later and well past dinner time. I stumbled out of my bedroom and into the kitchen were Luke was sweeping the floor.

"Luke I am so sorry! I don't know how I slept for so long!"

With a very satisfied expression, he replied:

"I cooked, cleaned, AND decorated while you slept."

I looked around and he wasn't kidding. Dinner was made, the house was spotless, and there were fall decorations throughout the home.

Can I just go on record that I love this man? What might sound like a simple and perhaps boring exchange between us, is something I will treasure and always remember. I don't even think he knows what he does for my heart day after day. The above exchange is not rare for him/us. It characterizes him. It a society where being a servant is belittled and thought weak for a man, he goes out of his way to serve me and our daughters consistently. Whether it's letting me sleep in on HIS days off. Whether it's taking the girls grocery shopping so I can have some quiet, Whether it's pulling a dozen overtime shifts so we can afford to keep our home or whether it is using all of his birthday cash to buy the girls their first school curriculum. He is a sacrificial, caring man. He is the epitome of:

"If you want to be great in God's Kingdom, you must first be a servant of all."

Fall shift bidding is down. Third quarter in a row my husband cannot attend church with me. Nine months and counting since he's had Sunday mornings off.

iRobot

So we've been given a 3rd kid. It's not what you might think. Luke is now the operator of  the throwbot (robot) used for surveillance. It comes home to us this week. All I can picture is iRobot and Will Smith and I already had a dream about it invading my bedroom.

Does life ever get boring?

"Usually you look pretty sexy after a workout. Not after Insanity though. No, then you look like you've been dragged behind the Jeep for several blocks."

~ Luke

Note: Shower off with the garden hose before going back in the house.

And They Call it Birth Control

I remember proudly popping in my first birth control pill. I felt so in charge and in control of my body. I started taking the pill about 3 months before my wedding. My doctor said I would need to be on it at least three months before becoming sexually active to ensure no pregnancy. I had heard the warnings and cautions, but figured enough women and been on this before me that I would be fine.

The first 1 1/2 years were great. Emotionally I've always been stable and this particular pill made me even more stable (I went from crying 4 times a year to 2, no joke. I don't cry much). I even lost 5 lbs the first year I was on it.

Unexpectedly I became pregnant with Gwendolyn. Before I could get back on the pill I became pregnant with Summer. My body was exhausted. It needed a break. When Summer was 4 months I made an appointment to renew my bc pills. Since I was nursing Summer I was only allowed the Progesterone Only Pill or "mini pill". I was so relived to not worry about getting pregnant again.

About nine months later I realized I was different. I felt different. I acted different. It started out with intense headaches. I've never been a headache girl. Never. Suddenly they were hitting me every night. Luke suggested I drink more which I did and it didn't help. Next my legs would cramp up. It would take hours before I could fall asleep since the aching was so intense. Nyquil became a great friend.
Third my vision deteriorated. Gwendolyn brought me a book to read. A large print kid book. I couldn't read it. The words were to blurry. I stumbled so badly through it she decided to find her Daddy. If I struggled reading a large print kid's book, you can only imagine what trying to read my Bible was like. I gave up on it. Fourth I was a monster (not all the time) to Luke. He would be folding laundry or doing dishes and in my head I just knew he was somehow trying to hurt me. I knew feelings lie so I would convince myself that what I felt wasn't real. I begged God to take away these irrational feelings. In addition to being a difficult wife, I yelled at my kids. The first time I yelled I think I was more shocked than them. I make dozens of mistakes as a parent, but I've never yelled. Each time I would apologize to both Gwen and Summer and like the sweethearts they are, they always forgave me. My fifth and last symptom was always thinking about death. It terrified me. Not the actual dying itself, but I was terrified of judgment of what heaven was really like. It was on my mind constantly.

For my husband's sake, for my children's sake, and for my sake I started researching this "safe" mini pill. I was not alone. So many women were/are having the same side effects and were going on other medications to combat them. I'd had enough. I talked it over with Luke, researched NFP (natural family planning), and stopped taking it.

For the next 30 days all the symptoms intensified. It makes no sense, but it was like my body was having crazy withdrawals. I think Luke was scared he would never get his sweet, optimistic wife back. And then it stopped. My vision returned. I haven't had a headache or leg ache since. I absolutely get frustrated with my children, but never to the point of yelling. I'm still moody about 2 days out of the month, but never to the point of being nasty to my husband. Getting back to daily reading my Bible has been unbelievable. You don't realize what you are missing until you start again. My head is clear and my heart is full of love for Jesus.

I'm not saying I'm against birth control. I may just be made in such a way that I can not handle that particular form of the pill. I do know I will never go back on it. Even if I have to have 20 kids, it's not worth it. I also realize I'm still responsible for all of my actions. All of them. I have no one or nothing to blame but myself. I'm not a victim of any kind.

Thank God  I have a patient husband who never and I mean never retaliated (and yes I have apologized to him). Thank God that my girls were so young they may not remember this time. Although two days ago at the breakfast table we were talking about kindness when Gwendolyn said:

"You hurt my feelings when you yell at me. That's not kind."

Gratefulness overwhelmed me that once again I had the opportunity to sincerely apologize to her and ask for my 3-year-old's forgiveness.

I'm not sure what the point of this is-maybe to warn someone? I made an appointment with my doctor and told her my side affects.  She wasn't alarmed and said the side effects were "normal". I'm not buying it. She wrote out a new prescription for a new form of birth control. It's sitting on my dresser. I'm not filling it. Ever.

After a full 8 hours of nonstop physical activity in the middle of a two-week Defensive Tactics Instructor course, he fell into bed exhausted. One hour later his phone read:

"GET TO PD ASAP. BEARCAT ENROUTE" (exact information not included)

I was given two kisses on his way out the door. I brought my oldest daughter to bed with me and tried to get some sleep knowing that if anything happened to him I would need to be well rested. 4:30 am I heard the door open. Everything went well. It was a pretty standard situation. He fell into bed and slept for 1 more hour before getting up for another day of body bruising defensive tactics. 

I just spoke to him on the phone. No complaints. He's as happy as can be and he passed all his tests with no problems. 

The strength, tenacity, professionalism, and dedication is inspiring to watch.

Love

It was nearly midnight. I had just gotten home. He had been taking care of the kids and studying for his DT Instructor course. I plopped on the couch and started telling him about my day. I talked, talked, and talked. He smiled, engaged, and asked questions. Finally around 1:00 am we climbed into bed and he asked me to set the alarm clock.

"So early?! You have to get up that early?" 

I asked in disbelief.

"Why did you let me talk for so long? Why didn't you tell me?"

With no accusation or annoyance in his voice he turned over, started playing with my hair, and said:

"You needed to talk and I needed to listen. It's simple."

Fast Forward

We're living in fast forward. Every day is packed. Not necessarily for me or the kids, but for him. We keep our calendar open and on the counter throughout the day. We try to memorize the next few days in advance so nothing is missed. We have training schedules taped to our refrigerator. We need to sync our phone calendars. We catch up on his break over the phone. I expect him home around 4:00 pm, he consistently swings in around midnight or later. Last night after a 15 hour shift I felt his exhausted body fall into bed next to mine. Our bedroom is full of gear. My one-year-old can identify more tactical gear than most grownups. Sometimes we leave church early to catch a few minutes with him at work. The girls love it. The stories are better than ever. I love it. Going to parties alone is normal. I'm becoming more independent by the hour. I still need him. Movies nights turn into hour long phone calls and text message battles. Becoming mission ready takes precedent over everything. Someday the craziness will end, maybe we'll have a normal schedule. But for now this is our life and I wouldn't want it any other way.

To see the sanctification on  his face, to hear the excitement in his voice. It's more than worth it. When we are alone together the whole world stops and it's perfect. I'm grateful for this time no matter how short it may be or what will come next.

"I pray they'll understand,

underneath that badge there is a man.

A man who has a wife.

A man who is my life." ~Melissa Littles

2014/2015

2014 was beautiful. There was no moving, no newborns, no pregnancies, no police academy, no FTO or probation. Like every year God was good in 2014. So very good.

Highlights

Luke publicly declaring Jesus as his Lord followed by his baptism. I continue to be awed by God's work in his life and it is an honor to be his wife.

Summer turning 1. We made it (barely) thru the baby stage! In my opinion, the toddler years are much easier/more fun than the baby years (but that's probably just me).

Karin and Zach and twins move back to Whactom County. Another request crossed out of the ole prayer journal.

Meeting my new nephew Issac and spending time with his Mommy (my oldest sister).

A privilege to be a bridesmaid for my dear childhood friend Crystal in July.

First family road trip to Moscow, ID for the above mentioned wedding. I still can't believe how well the girls did during the 8-hour car ride.

Gwen's first trip to the zoo and aquarium and watching her in pure delight as she fed Bamboo the elephant.

Having dear friends drive across the mountain to bring us real hardwood floors as a gift and then staying to install for free. Their generosity is amazing.

Being invited to attend the Whatcom County Law Enforcement Awards Banquet with my handsome officer.

Finally getting rid of our rock garden and putting in a lawn.

Nightly workouts with Luke and friends in our garage gym.

Having an emergency appendectomy in August. Call me weird, but it's actually a very pleasant memory. Not to mention all the help people gave me in the weeks following the surgery. I felt like I was on an extended vacation.

Spending the beautiful summer months in the best town on earth. Nightly walks to Edaleen, daily trips to the park and cruising around in a convertible.

Watching my daughters grow into friends (with plenty of fights thrown  in).

Celebrating our 5th anniversary with hours and hours of jet-skiing and of course target practicing.

Watching our girl's enjoy the Christmas season and shaking from excitement Christmas morning.

Gwendolyn singing in the Sunday School Christmas program (or rather not sing and just floating around on stage).


Resolutions: 

Renewed passion for Christ. For my family. For the mundane, everyday duties that a stay-at-home Mom has. For my church. For life.

Oh, and don't get pregnant. :)

Mother's Day 2014

Mother's Day 2014 I sat next to my husband enraptured by the morning's sermon. A sermon on the great responsibility we have to our children. My heart was happy and my soul was at peace. There was calmness in me. For the first time I was eager to hear a sermon like this. In the past I dreaded them. In the past it was all on me. I was alone with this burden of raising my kids to fear the Lord. I had a teammate in my husband, but not a soul mate. We didn't agree about God. He wasn't sure he believed in God. Sometimes I would leave church crying. Other times I would square my shoulders and tell myself I could handle it alone. Just me and God. Sometimes I would look over the audience hoping a wise older man would come smack some holiness into my husband. I was brave on the outside, but terrified on the inside. Could I do it by myself?

Mother's Day 2014 I have a soulmate. I have a teammate who believes, who has faith. Oh how life changes when you've got your husband working for you, with you, for your kids. That evening I told him thank-you. Thank-you for making me the happiest girl in the world. Thank-you for caring enough about me and our girls to seek advice, wisdom, and counsel. Thank-you for not just going through the motions, but seeking with all your heart and then finding. I told him that we are now unstoppable, unbreakable. We can change the world if we want because Christ is now in both of us.

Never take the gift of having a believing partner for granted. I know I never will.

What it's Really Like

I found this on one of the Police Wives Forums. She put into words everyday life. I was shocked when someone questioned the strength of my marriage due to the fact Luke was "never around", but now I know that is just part of our life now. It's a journey being married to a cop, but a journey that I love!


"People have asked me, "So what's it like being married to a cop?" Do you know all of the cops and judges in the county? Do you get the inside scoop on the local trials? Do you get to run background checks on all of your friends and neighbors?"

Well...No, no, no, and NO!

But I will tel you what it REALLY is like to be married to a cop...

It's getting used to his swing shift schedule.
It's getting your kids used to his swing shift schedule.
It's spending weekends without him.
It's expecting him to be home at 2am then waking up at 3am and realizing that he's not home. Calling him to make sure he's okay and not being able to reach him. Panicking. Then finally hearing from him that he's okay...that he was dealing with a suicidal gunman...that he'll be home when he can...then trying to fall back asleep.
It's taking comfort in knowing that he works in a small department, where things don't get to exciting...until they do.
It's moving Christmas to the 23rd so he can see the kids open their gifts on "Christmas Morning".
It's spending Thanksgiving and New Year's Day, 4th of July, Memorial Day, Labor Day and all those special days that most families get to spend together without him.
It's sometimes spending those special days at his station in between calls.
It's going to family functions without him, even if it's with his family.
It's trying to explain to those who don't' understand why he doesn't come around.
It's hearing people question the strength of your marriage when he is never around.
It's sometimes sleeping alone and most of the time waking up alone.
It's putting things on hold.
It's hoping you will beat the odds of a  "police marriage" when 78% of them fail, but understanding why they do.
It's helping him cope with a Chief who's forgotten what it's like to be a patrol office.
It's keeping the kids quiet during the day and explaining to them why Daddy sleeps when they don't.
It's being excited that you get to spend a day off with him...and finding out he has court or overtime or that his schedule has been changed again.
It's watching friends get together without the kids, when you just can't.
It's hearing about a fallen office and being sad while silently rejoicing that it wasn't him.
It's knowing that you are safe at home while it's raining, or storming, or snowing while he has to be out in the elements.
It's resisting the urge to barrage him with complaints about him, or the kids, or the house, or work...Because he has enough on his plate already.
It's FOP meetings, Association meetings, departmental meetings, All of which seem to occur when he's supposed to be off.
It's realizing the he's never really "off".
It's trying to not make him feel guilty about these things because you know he already does.
It's realizing how precious the time you have together really is because most the time, he's awake while you're asleep or asleep while your're awake, or somewhere in between. Rare are the days that you are actually on the same schedule. Yes, it's all of these things. Despite this all, it is also wonderful. Knowing what he does for this world...for the community...for our families...for our children. It is worth is.

~ Dorothy Ague

What It Is

*In two weeks night shift for my officer will turn to swing shift.

*Which means I go to bed alone and wake up with a man next to me. Scandalous!

*The past 6 weeks have been the 2nd most challenging journey in my life.

*I love Luke more than I could ever hope to express.

*I'm frustrated with rules.

*More than anything I want to love God and my family and finally not care what others think.

*I would love to be able to lose weight faster. This 1 pound a week thing is getting old.

*I'm actually emotional over the fact I'm no longer nursing Summer.

*My number one prayer request for 7 years was answered 5 months ago.

*My sisters are people who I would die for without a second thought.

*I have so much to learn.

*The police scanner has been my best friend through the past six months of night shift.

*Nothing beats hearing cop stories at 6:30 am while sipping coffee. No better way to start the day as far as I'm concerned.

*I hope I can raise my girls to love Jesus and not man-made rules.

*It's been a long 3 weeks since I've been in church and I can't believe how much I miss my church family.

*Realizing that surrounding yourself with people much different than you is a good thing.

*I like having a job, but don't want it forever.

*Homeschooling is a very daunting thought.

*I could never explain just how much I appreciate my pastor, but I'll try.

*My two princesses teach me more about humility, flexibility, strength, endurance, determination, tenacity, and kindness than anything I've every experienced.

My Life

What a crazy season of life this is! In my heart and mind I feel like I belong with the teenagers doing teenage things - staying up late, parties, holding down a full time job, being crazy and carefree. I'm not a teenager anymore though. I've got to somehow remember that. I'm a Mommy to two energized babies and a wife. If I'm up later than 11:00 I'm sunk the next day. Parties mean paying for a babysitter and crazy and carefree can equal irresponsible when two precious lives are now in your charge. As for a full time job, well I have a 24/7 job. If not careful, I can find myself longing for the "good ol days" of freedom and a crazy spirit. I realized that right now, right here may be the most precious time in my life; when two new lives are mine to take care of, nurture, and train. Embracing "mommyhood" took me a while. I have always been grateful for my girls, but as far as really embracing and owning the responsibility it didn't come naturally. I like sleeping in, dates, pretty clothes, time to myself, a solid paycheck, and the ability to leave the house whenever I choose. But I'll tell you what - Nothing, nothing beats waking up at 6:00am to two different sounds on two different monitors. One is Gwendolyn saying good morning to each of her animals and the other is Summer cooing and making smacking sounds with her little baby lips. My family = My life.

It Really Does Fly

Time flies. Everyone says so, but it really does. One morning you're eating breakfast with your six siblings and the next you're cooking breakfast for your 1-year-old daughter. I used to wonder if I would ever grow up, what it would be like to be a teenager, to be a college student. Crazy how all that is behind me now. Over the past six years I feel like my life has been in super-charge mode. Let me walk you through the highlights of the past six years:

Age 20: Met a boy who was somewhat a bad boy and fell madly in love with him after our first date. 

Age 21: Graduated from college and continued dating that boy. On a clear, romantic night in early January I said "Yes" to a certain question and a beautiful diamond ring.

Age 22: Nine months later found myself saying "I do" to that same boy on a beautiful day in September.

Age 23: Blissfully uneventful as I started my new life as a married woman. We vacationed. We spent to much money. We had to much fun.

Age 24: A certain pregnancy test rocked my world in July and then I met the most wonderful girl in the world on March 1st.

Age 25: Left alone for five-months with a newborn after my husband accepted his dream job after three years of searching. We found out after his graduation that our lives were changing again with another baby girl on the way.

Age 26: In just a few days or weeks I will be a mother again and this year will be full of diapers, spit-up, butterfly kisses, sleepless nights, cuddles, and more love in my life than I ever imagined. 

Here's to growing up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpFW4Yhy08k

Police Wife's Life

At the end of a long day I'm snuggled up with Luke in bed. I'm going on and on about hopes and dreams and I assume he is listening with all his attention. I tell him how much I love him and how proud of him I am and ask him to play with my hair. Ahhh, wedded bliss. This is good. I'm about to turn over for another kiss when suddenly my arm is yanked out from under me and twisted up behind my back. Before I could even gasp my other arm is jerked above my head and my wrists are being bent backwards. Next go my fingers. I am completely helpless. I can't move a muscle without it hurting.

"LUKE! What the HECK are you doing?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry Kimi. I'm practicing my arm bars. I can't get rusty. See if I do this you can't move and if I do it like this....."

Sigh, so much for a romantic middle-of-the-night makeout session. I just shake my head at him, but secretly I love it.

Gwendolyn Turns One!

Friday we celebrated Gwen's first birthday. It was a sweet time of just her, Luke and I and then later family and friends. As soon as we heard her waking up we went into her room and sang Happy Birthday. She had such a confused, sweet smile on her face! We started out the day at IHOP where Gwen had her first birthday breakfast complete with a kiddie size hot chocolate. After her nap we had planned on taking her to the toy store and then the dog park (dogs are her favorite thing in the world right now), but the little stinker slept way to long.

At 5:30 her party started and even though she was a bit overwhelmed with all the attention, she held up just fine. Here are a few pictures of her special day. I'll try to blog more about planning first birthdays (I let it get waaay to stressful in my head), but right now my toddler is kicking the wall meaning she is done with her morning nap!

Perspective

Early morning and you wake up peacefully. A spark in your heart, a light step, a sleepy smile. Your soul is already praising God for this brand new day-a gift to you and your loved ones. Suddenly you remember the day, the night before. The tears, the doubt, the uncertainty of the future. Just hours before when you could barely muster a smile for your precious daughter. When cooking and cleaning seemed like monumental tasks that you couldn't complete. There was crippling fear that everything you had grown used to and was secure in could be ripped from you within the day. You wonder why is there joy in me right now? Why is my heart so thankful and at peace? Why am I excited for today with no fear of what it may bring? Along with the remembered sorrow of yesterday, you also remember pouring your heart out before God. Tearfully begging Him for mercy and guidance. He reminds of you of His promises and reminds you of His faithfulness. He reminds you that in a situation so hopeless and so confusing He sees the whole picture and has a plan. That He will perfect His perfect will in you. Even though it didn't seem possible, sleep overtook and your precious Lord sent his angels to minister to your soul and you wake up with unmistakable peace from Him.

Maybe you finally get it. Get that this life is never going to fully satisfy your longings. Not circumstances, not friends, not a husband, not children, not a job, not financial security; that the life to come is where your hope lies. Thankfulness washes over you for this God-given perspective as your soul continues to rejoice in Him despite the trials in your life.

Hebrews 10:23 
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.

My Church

I'll never forget the day I heard these words:

"Why are they coming here? Don't they know this is a home school church? They aren't going to last long (and sadly they didn't)."

I was young. Barely in high school. I had no response to that statement at the moment, but it has never sat well with me. What church do I go too? There have been many labels placed on various churches over the years-mine being no exception. Labels that are put on by both the members and members of different churches, but honestly, mostly by members. Labels that I have heard with my own ears.

What church do I go to?

A home school church. Well, if you home school you are more than welcome, but that is not my church.

A church where women wear only dresses on Sunday. You are more than free to wear a dress, but that is not my church.

A church where our children can sit through the entire sermon without moving or playing in the nursery. Feel free to try, but please don't tell me that is what defines my/our church.

A church where youth group is not allowed and we only sing hymns because all other songs are unholy.  If you attend a youth group yourself I will never judge you for that. Hymns may be our song leaders first choice, but let's allow them the freedom to have that choice. If someone prefers a church band, wonderful. Let's worship our Lord together.

A church where girls are not allowed to work outside the home. There are some who believe that and they are God's children just like you and I. That belief does not define the church I attend.

A church where outsiders can't feel welcome because of the supposed overbearing conservatism. I pray this isn't my church.

A church where we believe no physical contact until marriage and talking to the opposite sex is frowned on. If this were my church, I would have been kicked out long ago.

Do you see the pride in some of these labels that we give our church? Which by the way, it is never our church. It's God's church.

This is the church I want to attend:

A church where Jesus Christ and his sacrifice on the cross alone is what defines us and not our labels.

A church where we are showing deference to one another and outdoing one another in brotherly love and acts of service.

A church that when people look at it and at us, they are drawn to Christ and nothing else.

A church that believes in true worship to our Creator.

A church that above all virtues pus on love which binds us together in perfect unity.

What church do you attend?