Hero

5:45am. I sleepily reached over to Luke's side of the bed. He usually comes home around 4:30 and then in bed by 5:00. In my exhaustion I assumed I slept through it.

 Empty.

Cold.

He wasn't there. My phone had no missed calls and no text messages. I quickly tried calling him before allowing my mind to get carried away.

Instant relief when he answered on the first ring. He was anxious for me to get back to sleep, but gave me a brief explanation why he was late.

A suicidal man who was dismissed by others as not truly suicidal. When Luke started his shift he read the report on it that was taken an hour earlier. He instantly felt concern and started pursing it further. Pursing it further turned into search warrants to ping a cell phone, calling for a K9 track, searching the man's residence, and ultimately Luke finding him hours later with a knife and slit throat down by the water. He survived.

Before Luke hung up with me he apologized that he was covered in blood and had to throw away his watch and bracelet.

"Honey, you saved someone's life. You're a hero."

"Nah, not really. Just doing what needs to be done."

Heartbreaking

A Policeman's Wife

I was feeling sick. I don't even remember falling asleep, but when I woke up it was three hours later and well past dinner time. I stumbled out of my bedroom and into the kitchen were Luke was sweeping the floor.

"Luke I am so sorry! I don't know how I slept for so long!"

With a very satisfied expression, he replied:

"I cooked, cleaned, AND decorated while you slept."

I looked around and he wasn't kidding. Dinner was made, the house was spotless, and there were fall decorations throughout the home.

Can I just go on record that I love this man? What might sound like a simple and perhaps boring exchange between us, is something I will treasure and always remember. I don't even think he knows what he does for my heart day after day. The above exchange is not rare for him/us. It characterizes him. It a society where being a servant is belittled and thought weak for a man, he goes out of his way to serve me and our daughters consistently. Whether it's letting me sleep in on HIS days off. Whether it's taking the girls grocery shopping so I can have some quiet, Whether it's pulling a dozen overtime shifts so we can afford to keep our home or whether it is using all of his birthday cash to buy the girls their first school curriculum. He is a sacrificial, caring man. He is the epitome of:

"If you want to be great in God's Kingdom, you must first be a servant of all."

Fall shift bidding is down. Third quarter in a row my husband cannot attend church with me. Nine months and counting since he's had Sunday mornings off.

iRobot

So we've been given a 3rd kid. It's not what you might think. Luke is now the operator of  the throwbot (robot) used for surveillance. It comes home to us this week. All I can picture is iRobot and Will Smith and I already had a dream about it invading my bedroom.

Does life ever get boring?

"Usually you look pretty sexy after a workout. Not after Insanity though. No, then you look like you've been dragged behind the Jeep for several blocks."

~ Luke

Note: Shower off with the garden hose before going back in the house.

And They Call it Birth Control

I remember proudly popping in my first birth control pill. I felt so in charge and in control of my body. I started taking the pill about 3 months before my wedding. My doctor said I would need to be on it at least three months before becoming sexually active to ensure no pregnancy. I had heard the warnings and cautions, but figured enough women and been on this before me that I would be fine.

The first 1 1/2 years were great. Emotionally I've always been stable and this particular pill made me even more stable (I went from crying 4 times a year to 2, no joke. I don't cry much). I even lost 5 lbs the first year I was on it.

Unexpectedly I became pregnant with Gwendolyn. Before I could get back on the pill I became pregnant with Summer. My body was exhausted. It needed a break. When Summer was 4 months I made an appointment to renew my bc pills. Since I was nursing Summer I was only allowed the Progesterone Only Pill or "mini pill". I was so relived to not worry about getting pregnant again.

About nine months later I realized I was different. I felt different. I acted different. It started out with intense headaches. I've never been a headache girl. Never. Suddenly they were hitting me every night. Luke suggested I drink more which I did and it didn't help. Next my legs would cramp up. It would take hours before I could fall asleep since the aching was so intense. Nyquil became a great friend.
Third my vision deteriorated. Gwendolyn brought me a book to read. A large print kid book. I couldn't read it. The words were to blurry. I stumbled so badly through it she decided to find her Daddy. If I struggled reading a large print kid's book, you can only imagine what trying to read my Bible was like. I gave up on it. Fourth I was a monster (not all the time) to Luke. He would be folding laundry or doing dishes and in my head I just knew he was somehow trying to hurt me. I knew feelings lie so I would convince myself that what I felt wasn't real. I begged God to take away these irrational feelings. In addition to being a difficult wife, I yelled at my kids. The first time I yelled I think I was more shocked than them. I make dozens of mistakes as a parent, but I've never yelled. Each time I would apologize to both Gwen and Summer and like the sweethearts they are, they always forgave me. My fifth and last symptom was always thinking about death. It terrified me. Not the actual dying itself, but I was terrified of judgment of what heaven was really like. It was on my mind constantly.

For my husband's sake, for my children's sake, and for my sake I started researching this "safe" mini pill. I was not alone. So many women were/are having the same side effects and were going on other medications to combat them. I'd had enough. I talked it over with Luke, researched NFP (natural family planning), and stopped taking it.

For the next 30 days all the symptoms intensified. It makes no sense, but it was like my body was having crazy withdrawals. I think Luke was scared he would never get his sweet, optimistic wife back. And then it stopped. My vision returned. I haven't had a headache or leg ache since. I absolutely get frustrated with my children, but never to the point of yelling. I'm still moody about 2 days out of the month, but never to the point of being nasty to my husband. Getting back to daily reading my Bible has been unbelievable. You don't realize what you are missing until you start again. My head is clear and my heart is full of love for Jesus.

I'm not saying I'm against birth control. I may just be made in such a way that I can not handle that particular form of the pill. I do know I will never go back on it. Even if I have to have 20 kids, it's not worth it. I also realize I'm still responsible for all of my actions. All of them. I have no one or nothing to blame but myself. I'm not a victim of any kind.

Thank God  I have a patient husband who never and I mean never retaliated (and yes I have apologized to him). Thank God that my girls were so young they may not remember this time. Although two days ago at the breakfast table we were talking about kindness when Gwendolyn said:

"You hurt my feelings when you yell at me. That's not kind."

Gratefulness overwhelmed me that once again I had the opportunity to sincerely apologize to her and ask for my 3-year-old's forgiveness.

I'm not sure what the point of this is-maybe to warn someone? I made an appointment with my doctor and told her my side affects.  She wasn't alarmed and said the side effects were "normal". I'm not buying it. She wrote out a new prescription for a new form of birth control. It's sitting on my dresser. I'm not filling it. Ever.